Who said anything about dieting?

I'm not quite sure what the worst part about this is. The murder? Or not being able to do hard time for it because you can't fit through your front door?

An 800-pound woman. Ugh. And you thought that 800-pound gorilla that was always a monkey on your back was bad.

Who said I need a starter dog?

When I have this thing hangin' on my patio door.

(Yes, that's my thumb. From three feet away.)

(and yes, those are the slats of the vertical blinds...)