3.19.2008

Way to go, Slug-ger. (Part 1)

I've not complained for a while about people I work with, as I have been removed from the general loop o' idiocy and dumbassery for the most part. However, we have a new god to add to the pantheon this morning... this one's been a while in the making so the "ARGH" goes on and on…so I'll try to put it in parts as to not raise your (read: my) blood pressure too much at a time.

I give you Captain Compensation. His ass is scrunched up so tight that his voice changes. He is 5'4" about 115 pounds, early 60s. Misogynistic, and is doubly irritated by women in power positions at work (exacerbated by the fact that all his bosses are women): his boss (Queen Bee…who can't stand him), in this particular project, me (who can't stand him), and High Goddess (who also can't stand him)…see a pattern? Additionally, he is the most change averse person I've ever seen in my life. …and to top it all off, during the non-working hours, he and his wife ride Harleys. Can you get the visual?

A growth-stunted asshat on a bike. SUH-WEET.


I guess I should call him Dr. Cap'n, since he has a PhD., but nah. No one around here calls him doctor anything. He doesn't deserve it. That REALLY gets under his skin. Maybe he really doesn't have a problem with women in general…maybe it's just women that don't kneel in respect for his greater intellectual gifts. Hmm…thought for another day.

Most of my gentle readers (all two of you) know that I do graphic design and publication layout. Usually it's a pretty glam job since I get to do a bunch of stuff that around 100K people read all the time, and when that's done, I get to do nifty new graphic designs for existing documents, which is what I really like to do, but the flip side of the coin is that the rest of my time is taken up by crap…such as certificates, covers, etc. The stuff that is notoriously easy to lay out, but the editor (who is another post altogether) goes ape over.

Last month, Cap'n and I had a run-in that escalated into a skirmish, then into an all-out passive-aggressive war. The whole thing started because Cap'n is lazy. He will go to any extent to not have to actually do work while attending work. Queen Bee has on several occasions overridden his negative commentary about conferences, etc. that should be his sole domain (He has no underlings either…not even a secretary, so he considers himself overworked and refuses to do ANYTHING new), including a particularly heinous brochure about graduation requirements that he has had published since Christ was born but never changed the way it looked.

Well, over the years there have been more and more requirements to cram onto a legal-size piece of paper. This year, many laws changed, so I told him that (a) we were going to make it more user friendly to all the audiences that use it, not just the school administrators and (b) the first step to that would be to change it to 11x17 size and make it in color. He adamantly refused (walked out of the meeting in my office…) until I took it to his boss the way he wanted it:

After putting all the new requirements in it, on a legal-size piece of paper, the text was in a 5 point size font. (Yes, you did read that right. 5.) Cap'n saw no problem with this (could he see it at all?!?), so I took the new 11 x 17 version (with 11 point font J) to Queen Bee with a note on the small one that if we cut the point size to 4.5, we would have enough room in the corner to put in a LensCrafters coupon for a magnifying glass.
She was amused, and agreed with me that it was getting beyond ridiculous.

About this point, Cap'n began to closely resemble a fish.

Clarinazi, 1
Captain Compensation, 0


to be continued

3.17.2008

A shamrock for you...

Happy St. Patrick's Day, all ye lads and lassies...

A bit o' trivia for you compliments of Wikipedia: The widespread use of alcohol on St. Patrick's Day may be rooted in the fact that the Roman festival of the Bacchanalia, a celebration of the Roman deity, Bacchus, (to whom wine was sacred), was on 17 March.

Hail Bacchus. :)

3.16.2008

Setting the record straight

For all of you who wondered, uh, NO, I do NOT snort when I laugh. "Giggle" just doesn't have the same ring to it as "GIGGLESNORT"*...




*besides, what kind of plagiarizer would I be if I didn't take it directly from the source?!?

3.14.2008

Ya gotta love well-written snark.

In the Tulsa World Wedesday: "When scary met Sally" (by the World's editorial writers...)
Oklahoma City Republican Rep. Sally Kern got caught in the act of being herself -- yet again.

A recording of Kern stating that the "homosexual agenda is just destroying this nation" and represents a greater threat to America than "terrorism or Islam" is on the video-sharing Web site YouTube, which has received a half million hits in four days.

Kern, who was speaking to a group of Republicans when the inflammatory remarks were secretly recorded, now claims her comments were taken out of context.

We would only hope. But unfortunately that's not what the evidence suggests. Kern, a former teacher and wife of a Baptist minister, claims that she was only exercising her free speech rights. Those would be the same rights that led her on a crusade a few years back to pull library books off school shelves and to cut library funding.

Kern indeed has the right of free speech but she also enjoys the privilege of suffering the consequences. So far she's received at least 5,000 e-mails, most spanking her for suggesting "the homosexual lifestyle is destroying our country."

Joe Solmonese, head of the 700,000-member Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest gay and lesbian civil rights group, has written a letter to Gov. Brad Henry, suggesting that words matter, especially coming from an elected official whose job it is to represent all her constituents -- an official who should set an example.

That apparently isn't how Kern's Republican colleagues see it. Instead of flinching at her intolerance, they appeared to embrace it Monday with a big group hug and a standing ovation for their YouTube star.

Their reaction is one that should be remembered by more tolerant Oklahomans come election time. Equating sexual orientation with knocking down the World Trade Center is divisive and dangerous, not to mention dumb.

Rep. Kern may think she speaks only for herself but in the eyes of the nation her vitriol slops over on all Oklahomans.


So I can't decide if I like the article better, or this response to it:

3/12/2008 11:44:04 AM, Sally, Your Adoring Fan
Dear Sally Kern:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your speech, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan

GOD I love well-written snark. *GIGGLESNORT*