Way to go, Slug-ger. (Part 1)

I've not complained for a while about people I work with, as I have been removed from the general loop o' idiocy and dumbassery for the most part. However, we have a new god to add to the pantheon this morning... this one's been a while in the making so the "ARGH" goes on and on…so I'll try to put it in parts as to not raise your (read: my) blood pressure too much at a time.

I give you Captain Compensation. His ass is scrunched up so tight that his voice changes. He is 5'4" about 115 pounds, early 60s. Misogynistic, and is doubly irritated by women in power positions at work (exacerbated by the fact that all his bosses are women): his boss (Queen Bee…who can't stand him), in this particular project, me (who can't stand him), and High Goddess (who also can't stand him)…see a pattern? Additionally, he is the most change averse person I've ever seen in my life. …and to top it all off, during the non-working hours, he and his wife ride Harleys. Can you get the visual?

A growth-stunted asshat on a bike. SUH-WEET.

I guess I should call him Dr. Cap'n, since he has a PhD., but nah. No one around here calls him doctor anything. He doesn't deserve it. That REALLY gets under his skin. Maybe he really doesn't have a problem with women in general…maybe it's just women that don't kneel in respect for his greater intellectual gifts. Hmm…thought for another day.

Most of my gentle readers (all two of you) know that I do graphic design and publication layout. Usually it's a pretty glam job since I get to do a bunch of stuff that around 100K people read all the time, and when that's done, I get to do nifty new graphic designs for existing documents, which is what I really like to do, but the flip side of the coin is that the rest of my time is taken up by crap…such as certificates, covers, etc. The stuff that is notoriously easy to lay out, but the editor (who is another post altogether) goes ape over.

Last month, Cap'n and I had a run-in that escalated into a skirmish, then into an all-out passive-aggressive war. The whole thing started because Cap'n is lazy. He will go to any extent to not have to actually do work while attending work. Queen Bee has on several occasions overridden his negative commentary about conferences, etc. that should be his sole domain (He has no underlings either…not even a secretary, so he considers himself overworked and refuses to do ANYTHING new), including a particularly heinous brochure about graduation requirements that he has had published since Christ was born but never changed the way it looked.

Well, over the years there have been more and more requirements to cram onto a legal-size piece of paper. This year, many laws changed, so I told him that (a) we were going to make it more user friendly to all the audiences that use it, not just the school administrators and (b) the first step to that would be to change it to 11x17 size and make it in color. He adamantly refused (walked out of the meeting in my office…) until I took it to his boss the way he wanted it:

After putting all the new requirements in it, on a legal-size piece of paper, the text was in a 5 point size font. (Yes, you did read that right. 5.) Cap'n saw no problem with this (could he see it at all?!?), so I took the new 11 x 17 version (with 11 point font J) to Queen Bee with a note on the small one that if we cut the point size to 4.5, we would have enough room in the corner to put in a LensCrafters coupon for a magnifying glass.

She was amused, and agreed with me that it was getting beyond ridiculous.

About this point, Cap'n began to closely resemble a fish.

Clarinazi, 1
Captain Compensation, 0

…to be continued

A shamrock for you...

Happy St. Patrick's Day, all ye lads and lassies...

A bit o' trivia for you compliments of Wikipedia: The widespread use of alcohol on St. Patrick's Day may be rooted in the fact that the Roman festival of the Bacchanalia, a celebration of the Roman deity, Bacchus, (to whom wine was sacred), was on 17 March.

Hail Bacchus. :)

Setting the record straight

For all of you who wondered, uh, NO, I do NOT snort when I laugh. "Giggle" just doesn't have the same ring to it as "GIGGLESNORT"*...




*besides, what kind of plagiarizer would I be if I didn't take it directly from the source?!?

Ya gotta love well-written snark.

In the Tulsa World Wedesday: "When scary met Sally" (by the World's editorial writers...)

Oklahoma City Republican Rep. Sally Kern got caught in the act of being herself -- yet again.

A recording of Kern stating that the "homosexual agenda is just destroying this nation" and represents a greater threat to America than "terrorism or Islam" is on the video-sharing Web site YouTube, which has received a half million hits in four days.

Kern, who was speaking to a group of Republicans when the inflammatory remarks were secretly recorded, now claims her comments were taken out of context.

We would only hope. But unfortunately that's not what the evidence suggests. Kern, a former teacher and wife of a Baptist minister, claims that she was only exercising her free speech rights. Those would be the same rights that led her on a crusade a few years back to pull library books off school shelves and to cut library funding.

Kern indeed has the right of free speech but she also enjoys the privilege of suffering the consequences. So far she's received at least 5,000 e-mails, most spanking her for suggesting "the homosexual lifestyle is destroying our country."

Joe Solmonese, head of the 700,000-member Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest gay and lesbian civil rights group, has written a letter to Gov. Brad Henry, suggesting that words matter, especially coming from an elected official whose job it is to represent all her constituents -- an official who should set an example.

That apparently isn't how Kern's Republican colleagues see it. Instead of flinching at her intolerance, they appeared to embrace it Monday with a big group hug and a standing ovation for their YouTube star.

Their reaction is one that should be remembered by more tolerant Oklahomans come election time. Equating sexual orientation with knocking down the World Trade Center is divisive and dangerous, not to mention dumb.

Rep. Kern may think she speaks only for herself but in the eyes of the nation her vitriol slops over on all Oklahomans.

So I can't decide if I like the article better, or this response to it:

3/12/2008 11:44:04 AM, Sally, Your Adoring Fan
Dear Sally Kern:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your speech, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan

GOD I love well-written snark. *GIGGLESNORT*

I may as well get them all out of the way at once...

Mom, just don't even try to watch these (especially the one above).


Through various friends, I have found these following videos. Though Mom won't find them funny, I think they're just HYSTERICAL.


Here are links to the other two. If you're unfamiliar with the back story, here is the short version:

Jimmy, who is dating Sarah, always bumps Matt Damon as a gag. The first video is their attempt to get even with Jimmy (last month). The second video is Jimmy's revenge (Wednesday night)...note the all-star cast.

CLASS A BEVERAGE ALERT.

Queen of the ID-10-T Error...

So after last night's ... um,... mishap, I totally feel like a dumbass. (For the uninformed, I fell down my stairs...I didn't "miss a step" or anything, I was just walking, then I was sliding.)

Aside from the pain in by back and my pride, I prevailed, but still... I have now joined the ranks of the fallen. Or something.

In other news, I hate people who do this. They are the people that put bb pellets in tire stems and mail magazines to people who piss them off. Oh wait, that's me too. Never mind the pellets and the magazines. I just hate people who stop suddenly. I never contemplated that it could be deliberate.

When I get my legions of flying monkeys, my monkeys and fellow band geeks are going to take over your world. And force you to listen to the piccolo/tuba duet version of Colonel Bogey. Incessantly.

Because I treasure your sanity (choke)

Hmm. A list of the worst things about this video...in no particular order.

1. The song.
2. The hat.
3. The happy trail.
4. The song.
5. The graphics.
6. The hat.
7. The song.


You know you want to watch it.

Thanks for a great one...

Thanks, everyone...I had a great day. I appreciate all the well-wishes, cards, and dinner with friends I haven't seen in a while. ...and random visits from some I'd like to see more often.

Thanks.

Clarinazi, Saturday 5:15 p.m. - ???

This is my life. Sad in a completely rawkin way...(How can being able to play Jurassic Park on a tabletop NOT rock your socks off?!?)

This will rock your socks off

WOW. This is a nifty prank... Seems like something I would do!

(My favorite part is where people are taking photos of the people who are still...do they REALLY think it would show the difference between real people and the still people?!? Clue in folks! Only funny on video.)

A steal of epic proportions

I think I have ED too...

Electile Dysfunction

Coming to a ballot box near you. One of the comments on the post pretty much summed it up (I'd choose different names, but the thought is the same)...

nurf said...

I'm em-bare-assed to admit I need a little blue bill for this ailment. McCain just doesn't get me aroused like Fred Thompson did. Maybe someone will come along to excite me to vote in the erection four years from now? Think I'll turtle up and hide til then.

Change the names, and Amen.

When spell check isn't the answer...

So this press release came out of the Gov's office yesterday. Apparently they forgot that spell check isn't the answer to all their problems? (The significant grammatical...issue...in the email subject and headline are worth a million!)

Email Subject Line: Measure to Honor Native American Tribes Killed by Republicans in Committee

State of Oklahoma House of Representatives

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

February 13, 2008

Representative Mike Brown
State Capitol Building Rm. 539B
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 73105
405-557-7408

Measure to Honor Native American Tribes Killed by Republicans in Committee

OKLAHOMA CITY (February 13th, 2008) A measure that would have honored the heritage of Oklahoma’s Native Americans was killed in Committee by House Republicans today.

“Oklahoma’s Native American tribes have played a pivotal role in shaping our State’s history,” said Representative Mike Brown, D- Tahlequah. “House Democrats simply attempted to amend a bill that would have reflected the heritage of all Oklahomans.”

House Bill 2674 was presented to the House General Government and Transportation Committee this morning. The bill would rename the North Canadian River to the Oklahoma River. Representative Brown submitted an amendment to the bill that would have renamed it the Native Oklahoman River. The amendment was voted down along party lines. All Republicans on the committee unified to defeat the amendment, while all Democrats present voted to approve the amendment.

“Is this the way that we treat those who helped form the rich cultural heritage of our State?” questioned Brown. “I hope that members of the Legislature will act in a more respectful manner the next time an opportunity arises to honor Oklahoma’s Native Tribes, instead of slipping back to old partisanship antics.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA! At least my agency's name isn't on that thing anywhere!!!

None of this is to mention that the fact that they are discussing the CHANGING OF A RIVER'S NAME in the Legislature... Your tax dollars at work. Or something.

Band season

Sorry I've been sparse on the postings since...well, since I got home from Chicago. Legislative session opened last week, so I've been busy at work, and band solo contest season is upon me, so I am spending evenings accompanying 25 soloists in addition to handbell rehearsals. I promise I'll get some stuff posted....sometime. I have some great things lying in wait! :-)

Thoughts of the day

It's Mardi Gras. I'm stuck at work on a craptacular day. I'd rather be reveling. My head hurts. May yours be all mine isn't. (and happy birthday to someone very special.)

The fuzz gives me the warm fuzzies

God bless the municipal cops. Seriously. If I could swing it, I'd take them each a cup o' Joe and a doughnut right about now in honor of their efforts to get me to my house.

I live just beyond a VERY busy intersection. Between this intersection and the VERY busy next intersection is the local mall, restaurant row, and the shopping mecca of south metro...including Wal-Mart and Sam's.

Envision the scenario. The N/S numbered road is two lanes each direction, and the E/W road is divided two lanes all the way to the interstate. Each of these roads is down to one lane each way, detoured about to make it very convoluted and confusing. HOWEVER, upon each road, going both ways on the N/S road is marked very clearly multiple times, NO LEFT TURN. So considering that all the drivers here are Okies, that means, "Turn left anyway, even though traffic backs up for a mile while you're waiting for an opportunity."

Until today. After screaming out my windows at schmucks who want to illegally turn for a couple of weeks, the munis apparently have also seen a profit opportunity.

The SW corner of the intersection has a circular drive that goes between Sam's, a bank and another through street. Therefore, the fuzz can queue up in the bank lot, see someone turn left, hop onto the eastbound street just behind them, and neatly pull them over in the through street...go through the Sam's parking lot and end up back in the bank parking lot waiting for another winner.

In the time that it took me to get from the interstate to the intersection, I saw 5 or 6 people pulled over. Considering the time, that makes for 30 people an hour, and each getting tickets that are (by law) $50ish minimum...let's see, that makes the local gummit about $1500 per hour, just on the people illegally turning to go EAST. (Not including mandatory court costs on the dummies who try to wrestle out of the fine.)

...deduct salaries and whatnot, and I think that after a few days of this, we can fund the construction project with the profits.




...oh, and don't forget the state law that says that all traffic fines are doubled in construction zones...

HEE HEE HEE Where's a cup o' java when I need it?!?

Sometimes it's just better to say nothing at all...

On my instant messenger when I got back to my computer (from Dave--what a surprise):

I was in the bedroom, stripping my wood, and the smell was powerful...

... (I'm refinishing a bookcase.)

Yes, Dave. Of course you are.

Bzz bzz bzzzz

Just call me the busy little bee. I've spent the last week working "overtime" (I don't get OT) at the Slugfest, but all in all, it's not been so bad. Monday and Tuesday were spent taking 550 photos of newly certified professionals ... but now that the photo editing and printing is finished, I'm good to go. Home.

And I plan on pouting since I missed all the swell weather we had (65 in January?!?) because of work, but I can now frolic in the snow since the wind chill is -3 degrees and the ice is starting to form. Argh.

If you want to talk to me, I'll be huddled around a barrel for warmth like a hobo.

It's not easy being a slug.

I've worked my ass off this week...after catching up from the trip and working on last minute things, I feel like I put in a full week plus some about a half hour ago, and therefore I'm surfing the web looking for things that may give you a good weekend chuckle (instead of actually having to THINK about anything).

With that in mind, I've posted the following videos--the Victor Borge one has been years in the making: I ran across it on TV when I was young and thought it was funny...and I still think it's funny. Maybe growing up is all just a big facade.*

Off to more government-related pursuits. Have a great weekend!!!



*See My Fellow Americans. If you haven't already, shame on you. It will crack you up. At least parts of it will...if you're smarter than the average Okie, this part will too.

Finally found!

I've been looking for this for a long time, and I finally found it!!! I used to have it on LP, but obviously that's not exactly technologically sound...

Speaking of sounds...take a gander.