I went shopping

and got some fantastic clothes. I didn't get anything at Ikea, though, except this photo:

Hrm. Can I buy the "fun things" at Ikea???

This is more like it.

I'm sure at some point in your life, you've received, read, or given a Gaelic blessing. Most of them are wonderful expressions of peace and goodwill, and lots of people think they look good painted on random things and hung about the house.

For those of you who are more realistic in the ways of blessings, I give you the following, taken from a comment on Crystal's blog. I want to kiss the author of this work of art. Anyone for making a list before we gather around and bless the hell out of the listees???

May bleeding piles distress him,
May corns adorn his feet.
May crabs as big as horseflies crawl on his balls and eat.
And when he's old and feeble and a psychopathic wreck,
May his spine drop through his asshole and break his fucking neck.

For once, the advertiser is spot on...

For possibly the first time in recorded history, the inappropriate use of quotation marks is completely appropriate. Thank you, Facebook advertiser.

One foot in the grave?

What grandmas talk about in the back seat of the car on a long drive:

Grandma 1: "Isn't Wilma dead?"
Grandma 2: "Well, her yard looks awful pretty if she is."
Grandma 1: "I think I read that she died."
Grandma 2: "I saw her yesterday. She's not dead."

--a little later--

Grandma 1: "Isn't the tag agent dead? What was her name?"
Grandma 2: "Jo, and no, she isn't dead. I just saw her too. She's dried up, but not dead."

Vignettes from Dallas

brought to you by the letter O, the number 15, Red Roof Inn, and English, the official language of Slugdom.

My choirs performed this weekend in the final concerts of the season. We had a great turnout and everyone seemed very enthusiastic, so I feel pretty good about things. The final concert was in Plano, and the following vignettes are short stories that happened while we were there.

1. The freeway.

GG and the newly-dubbed English (see #4) left the Friday night north-OKC concert to drive to Plano at 11:00 p.m. Close to their destination, around 3 a.m. the following conversation ensues:

English: "Exit Parker."
GG: *crickets*
English: "Exit Parker!"
GG: *crickets*
English: "Exit Parker!!!!"
GG: *crickets*
English: "Get off the freakin' freeway!"
GG: *Saudi sweep*

2. The hotel.

Hotel arrangements have been made since May. We were guaranteed early check-in at the Red Roof Inn, Plano. At least until we got there...

Me: "I need to check in. I have six rooms reserved under the name Clarinazi."
Desk girl: "We don't have any rooms."
Me: "I guaranteed early check in. We have a rehearsal at 3 pm and I was told LAST NIGHT that I could check my people in at 1."
DG: "We don't have any rooms available. I wasn't the one who told you that, so it's not my problem."
(cue ominous soundtrack)
Me: "You work in customer service. When you came to work today, you MADE it your problem. Can I at least have the room numbers we are going to be in to give people keys for when they get here?"
DG: "I don't know the room numbers, so I can't give you keys."
Me: "Can you not find out where your cleaning people are and give me those rooms? Could I talk to your manager?"
DG: "We don't have a manager."
Me: "Are you the CEO of the corporation? If not, you MUST have manager. District? Regional?"
DG: "Well our manager quit a couple weeks ago. Do you want to talk to our acting manager?"
Me: "Well, duh! YES!"
DG: "She's not here now."
Me: "Can you call her?"
DG: "She is at home."
Me: "Is your finger broken?"

DG called the manager. I introduced myself and explained the situation, and the following conversation is an approximate transcript.

Mgr: "We have a whole new staff. There is really nothing we can do. They tell me the hotel was abnormally busy last night, so they are cleaning rooms for you, but it will be 3 pm check-in. We cannot guarantee you early check-in, especially on a Saturday.
Me: "Well, your people DID guarantee it, so I need to get into our rooms."
Mgr: "I am sorry, but there is nothing I can do."
Me: "Do you have the corporate number that I can call to complain?"
Mgr: "I will take care of the problem on Monday."
Me: "I don't think you understand. I need the number to call and file a complaint about YOU."
Mgr: "I don't have the number. I am at home."
Me: "Which brings us to another question. Why are you at home during an abnormally busy weekend with a brand-new staff working for the first time?!?"

This gets me handed back over to the front desk clerk who has miraculously found us six clean rooms. Things go smoothly from this point, and the manager even called back to comp my room for the second night I was staying.

-to be continued...#6-

3. The concert.

The concert went exceptionally well, and I would like to re-create that space here in my home town. Whenever I get the funding that the Raleigh Ringers has and can build my OWN rehearsal/performance space, that's what I'm going to do. It is decided.

4. The language barriers.

After the concert, several of us went to a smallish pub in Plano to unwind. Admittedly, Plano has a large Hispanic population, but I wanted to become boneless and slink under the table at this monologue...

We needed water at the table, and were wearing the waitress out. Attempting to order a pitcher of water, English looks around the room, finds a Hispanic bus boy, and waves him to the table.

She then looks critically at him for a moment, points her Mommy finger at him, and says:

"ENGLISH?"

At his nod she then proceeded to order a pitcher of water, no ice. Riiiiiiiight.

"Agua?"

She resorted to hand signals.

Water. No ice.
"Glass?"
No, pitcher.

Sigh. Now I'm calling her "English" -- it just seems more fitting than appropriate sign language.

5. The great Wi-fi hunt of 2008.

After everyone else had left for the weekend, GG and I decided to hang around and go to dinner on Sunday. I desperately needed to find a Wi-fi connection for my laptop (the one in the hotel was $20) for my meeting on Monday morning. We racked our brains and came up with McDonald's as the most logical choice.

We went to McDonald's, and could connect, but the connection wouldn't work. On anything. Phone, PDA, laptop...nothing. Crap.

Next stop: English's house. She works nights, so she was asleep, and rather than potentially piss off Mr. English, we decided to park across the street and use the Wi-fi that leaked out of her house. We didn't want to be stalkers, so we did the logical thing.

We parked one door down and across the street to look like we were casing the joint instead.

To no avail.

Our next thought was that hotels would have it, so if we parked close to the lobby, we may be able to get service. We cruised over the highway and found a corner that had a Best Western, Ramada, and Holiday Inn Express close together, all with their front doors facing a common parking lot. EXCELLENT! After initial signal reads from GG, we decided that we should park in one of the handicapped spots in the front of the Ramada. It had the best service--from the Best Western. Go figure.

6. The hotel, reprise.

I checked out of the hotel Monday morning, and was asked why Bell Ringer didn't check in. I said I wasn't sure, and that I would find out.

I found out last night--Bell Ringer was told that there were no rooms listed under my name OR her name, so she didn't have a reservation.

Ye ole ears perked up, and Manager got a call this fine morning...

Me: "It's Clarinazi in OKC again. We have another problem."
Mgr: "Oh no."
Me: "Remember the girl who didn't check in? She was told that there was not a room for her under my name or hers, so she ended up driving back to north OKC, a four-hour drive, at midnight on Saturday."
Mgr: "I will credit your card immediately."
Me: "I kind of thought you'd see it my way. Have a nice day!"

I'm back home now, and will be back to scribbling if the muse allows. Glad you hung around waiting!

Anyone wanna bur?

Crystal is hosting a contest. Feel free to hie on over to participate.

Winner is the person who can decipher the female witness's testimony in this video.

Even if you don't participate in the contest, feel free to post transcriptions in comments. It's definately good for a *Gigglesnort!*

Things are headed south.

My job has been kicking my ass, and my photography has been posted in various places, but I figured you were tired of always seeing it by now, so I didn't post the last bit.

In addition to my life sucking (you should have seen me yesterday!!!) I'm headed south for the HOT weekend.

While I'm gone, check this out. Class A beverage alert, people.

Ya gotta love well-written snark.

In the Tulsa World Wedesday: "When scary met Sally" (by the World's editorial writers...)

Oklahoma City Republican Rep. Sally Kern got caught in the act of being herself -- yet again.

A recording of Kern stating that the "homosexual agenda is just destroying this nation" and represents a greater threat to America than "terrorism or Islam" is on the video-sharing Web site YouTube, which has received a half million hits in four days.

Kern, who was speaking to a group of Republicans when the inflammatory remarks were secretly recorded, now claims her comments were taken out of context.

We would only hope. But unfortunately that's not what the evidence suggests. Kern, a former teacher and wife of a Baptist minister, claims that she was only exercising her free speech rights. Those would be the same rights that led her on a crusade a few years back to pull library books off school shelves and to cut library funding.

Kern indeed has the right of free speech but she also enjoys the privilege of suffering the consequences. So far she's received at least 5,000 e-mails, most spanking her for suggesting "the homosexual lifestyle is destroying our country."

Joe Solmonese, head of the 700,000-member Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest gay and lesbian civil rights group, has written a letter to Gov. Brad Henry, suggesting that words matter, especially coming from an elected official whose job it is to represent all her constituents -- an official who should set an example.

That apparently isn't how Kern's Republican colleagues see it. Instead of flinching at her intolerance, they appeared to embrace it Monday with a big group hug and a standing ovation for their YouTube star.

Their reaction is one that should be remembered by more tolerant Oklahomans come election time. Equating sexual orientation with knocking down the World Trade Center is divisive and dangerous, not to mention dumb.

Rep. Kern may think she speaks only for herself but in the eyes of the nation her vitriol slops over on all Oklahomans.

So I can't decide if I like the article better, or this response to it:

3/12/2008 11:44:04 AM, Sally, Your Adoring Fan
Dear Sally Kern:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your speech, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan

GOD I love well-written snark. *GIGGLESNORT*

I may as well get them all out of the way at once...

Mom, just don't even try to watch these (especially the one above).


Through various friends, I have found these following videos. Though Mom won't find them funny, I think they're just HYSTERICAL.


Here are links to the other two. If you're unfamiliar with the back story, here is the short version:

Jimmy, who is dating Sarah, always bumps Matt Damon as a gag. The first video is their attempt to get even with Jimmy (last month). The second video is Jimmy's revenge (Wednesday night)...note the all-star cast.

CLASS A BEVERAGE ALERT.

Queen of the ID-10-T Error...

So after last night's ... um,... mishap, I totally feel like a dumbass. (For the uninformed, I fell down my stairs...I didn't "miss a step" or anything, I was just walking, then I was sliding.)

Aside from the pain in by back and my pride, I prevailed, but still... I have now joined the ranks of the fallen. Or something.

In other news, I hate people who do this. They are the people that put bb pellets in tire stems and mail magazines to people who piss them off. Oh wait, that's me too. Never mind the pellets and the magazines. I just hate people who stop suddenly. I never contemplated that it could be deliberate.

When I get my legions of flying monkeys, my monkeys and fellow band geeks are going to take over your world. And force you to listen to the piccolo/tuba duet version of Colonel Bogey. Incessantly.

This will rock your socks off

WOW. This is a nifty prank... Seems like something I would do!

(My favorite part is where people are taking photos of the people who are still...do they REALLY think it would show the difference between real people and the still people?!? Clue in folks! Only funny on video.)

When spell check isn't the answer...

So this press release came out of the Gov's office yesterday. Apparently they forgot that spell check isn't the answer to all their problems? (The significant grammatical...issue...in the email subject and headline are worth a million!)

Email Subject Line: Measure to Honor Native American Tribes Killed by Republicans in Committee

State of Oklahoma House of Representatives

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

February 13, 2008

Representative Mike Brown
State Capitol Building Rm. 539B
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 73105
405-557-7408

Measure to Honor Native American Tribes Killed by Republicans in Committee

OKLAHOMA CITY (February 13th, 2008) A measure that would have honored the heritage of Oklahoma’s Native Americans was killed in Committee by House Republicans today.

“Oklahoma’s Native American tribes have played a pivotal role in shaping our State’s history,” said Representative Mike Brown, D- Tahlequah. “House Democrats simply attempted to amend a bill that would have reflected the heritage of all Oklahomans.”

House Bill 2674 was presented to the House General Government and Transportation Committee this morning. The bill would rename the North Canadian River to the Oklahoma River. Representative Brown submitted an amendment to the bill that would have renamed it the Native Oklahoman River. The amendment was voted down along party lines. All Republicans on the committee unified to defeat the amendment, while all Democrats present voted to approve the amendment.

“Is this the way that we treat those who helped form the rich cultural heritage of our State?” questioned Brown. “I hope that members of the Legislature will act in a more respectful manner the next time an opportunity arises to honor Oklahoma’s Native Tribes, instead of slipping back to old partisanship antics.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA! At least my agency's name isn't on that thing anywhere!!!

None of this is to mention that the fact that they are discussing the CHANGING OF A RIVER'S NAME in the Legislature... Your tax dollars at work. Or something.

Sometimes it's just better to say nothing at all...

On my instant messenger when I got back to my computer (from Dave--what a surprise):

I was in the bedroom, stripping my wood, and the smell was powerful...

... (I'm refinishing a bookcase.)

Yes, Dave. Of course you are.

It's not easy being a slug.

I've worked my ass off this week...after catching up from the trip and working on last minute things, I feel like I put in a full week plus some about a half hour ago, and therefore I'm surfing the web looking for things that may give you a good weekend chuckle (instead of actually having to THINK about anything).

With that in mind, I've posted the following videos--the Victor Borge one has been years in the making: I ran across it on TV when I was young and thought it was funny...and I still think it's funny. Maybe growing up is all just a big facade.*

Off to more government-related pursuits. Have a great weekend!!!



*See My Fellow Americans. If you haven't already, shame on you. It will crack you up. At least parts of it will...if you're smarter than the average Okie, this part will too.

I'm baaaaaaaack!

I made it home from the vacay and now I have to put my apartment into some semblance of order. I think I'm going to have to rent another flat for the clothes closet. (Quel suprise!) The trip was FANTASTIC and I think that Chicago will have to restock now that I've left town.

Tonight is the inaugural rehearsal for two new handbell ensembles that I've been spending a goodly chunk of time organizing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well and I don't fall over from exhaustion by the end of the night.

In other sundry bell-related activities, we did manage to move church rehearsals to Tuesday nights. I don't know how the old folks will deal with going to church on a TUESDAY (gasp!), but at least they didn't look at us like we were nuts as soon as the words crossed our lips.

As soon as my life returns to some kind of routine (probably Thursday at the earliest), I'll be posting regularly again. Until then, back to work with me--I can almost see my desk. WOOT!

(and to kill some more time, check this out: 15 Minute Lunch ... I tend to recall that there were at one time a plethora of similar pictures with girly themes in my early life. As my latent artistic ability never actually revealed itself to anyone but me, I'm sure that along the way, my artwork went the way of the trash barrel...but his pics more than made up for my lack. *gigglesnort*)

Looking for love in all the wrong places?

Click on the pic to enlarge...

I don't know a lot of things, but I do know that even in Jersey, you're not going to find yours online. Someone else's, sure, but yours? Nah.



~~
Later showed this post to a friend...

Me: I can't believe this...someone actually google searched "my taint"

Him: How do you know this?

Me: it appeared in my sitemeter

Him: Aaah. Referrer listings. Score.

Him: Was your post useful in defining "My taint"?

Me: I'd sure hope not

Him: If not, you failed a user.

Gotta love friends who are sys admins... :-)

Dilbert Boren strikes again

Although I am no longer a student at the esteemed Gaylord Memorial University of Oklahoma, it has been brought to my attention that they are continuing along the path of "keep fixing it until it's broken."

We all know that graduation was canceled due to the freak ice, and some are aware that finals were screwed up too. People ended up taking finals on Sunday afternoon, Saturday night, and apparently, January 14? This is posted on their homepage:

All Students To Follow Modified Class Schedule Monday, January 14

The first day of the Spring 2008 semester Monday, January 14, 2008, is reserved to allow students to complete Monday, December 10th RESCHEDULED finals from the fall semester.

Classes on Monday, January 14 are cancelled, EXCEPT FOR those classes regularly scheduled to meet once a week on Mondays. Those classes will be moved one time only to Friday, January 18th at their regularly scheduled times. The location will be the same unless posted here. Times and locations will also be listed on OU’s Online Enrollment Web page. In the rare situation that you have conflicting classes on Friday, you should attend the Monday class on Friday.

Considering that most undergrads seem to have difficulty understanding BASIC concepts (this paper is due on Friday. Yes, Friday. Monday is not equal to Friday.)...one must wonder about the thought process that led to this particular proclamation. I think that my friend that alerted me (my choir director) and I are going to take lawn chairs to the oval and sell tickets to fund a heater for the choir room (a.k.a. Methodist Meat Locker) at the church.

HAH! Mine too!

This is really funny...

...as a fellow blogger quoted (Fatale Abstraction),

Don't be messin' with Rita Moreno.
She's bad.
She's at least two nations wide.

---------------
ADDENDUM --

OMG! It gets even better:
I was thinking "damn, Rita is smokin' hot in this video, must've been about 40-ish", so, I poked around tha Intarw3bz and found out she was at or near 50 in this video! She is the only Puerto Rican actress to have won an Oscar, Golden Globe, a Tony and an Emmy-- she's a triple-threat power-house performer. And gosh, isn't it awesome to see a naturally lovely (i.e., unenhanced) rack on a female performer? Alert the media!

Rita Moreno is fierce. Animal knew what he was talking about!

That pretty much says it all, there. :-)

Well, NOW they tell me...

Goal: the Admiration of all. Capitalize upon it, even?

Now, THIS audition is calling my name...

LOL! I don't play in an orchestra because there's not a big call for clarinet players in my neck of the woods...but I think that this is an orchestra that I could get into!!!