No, wolves were NOT involved.

Contrary to popular belief, I have NOT been eaten by wolves in Austin. ...there was a moment or two, during which I was coerced into dinner in a UT bar...wearing my Sooners shirt...that my life expectancy, however, was in question. The weekend was a well-needed trip, but the hell on earth that I returned to has NOT been making my days.

Queen Bee is up to her usual antics, High Goddess decided AT PRESS TIME that she no longer liked the materials everyone had been looking at for 3 weeks, so I spent another two nights working needlessly.

Yesterday, I was informed that the venue for my upcoming concert (Monday) may have to be changed due to the asshattery of certain parties involved (not me!)...damn. The jury is still out, but I'll know by this afternoon!

I had two nibbles on the "get Clarinazi into a position where "SLUG" is not in the job title" campaign, and both look somewhat promising. We'll see on that too.

...so for now, we wait.

Just bear with me for a minute.

GRRRRRRR!!!



OK. Now I feel better. Back to regularly scheduled programming.

Nothing like a little music to raise your spirits

We in Oklatucky have been facing a funding crisis in education (to the current tune of $47 million, give or take a few pennies), but the legislature has been resistant to fix the problem. To all of you who thought that was just because they were lazy, take note. They've been working hard in our State Capitol. This was just released...GRR!

State Senate Supports Public Vote on Official State Rock Song

(For digital audio, go to www.oksenate.gov and select “News.”)

Oklahoma has an official state folk song, a country and western song, and of course an official state song. What it doesn’t have is an official rock and roll song. But a vote in the Senate has brought the state one step closer to choosing one. Sen. John Ford is Senate author of House Concurrent Resolution 1047 which was approved unanimously by the full Senate on Tuesday. The measure has already been approved by the House of Representatives.

“This resolution truly promotes and celebrates the history and influence of music in Oklahoma,” said Ford, who represents Craig, Nowata and Washington Counties. “What’s really exciting is that the public will be able to nominate their favorite tunes and choose from the finalists to select our official rock and roll song.”

Ford explained that the Oklahoma History Center will celebrate the state’s rock and roll heritage in an exhibit entitled “Another Hot Oklahoma Night,” slated to open in 2009. Under HCR 1047, the Oklahoma Historical Society will host a web site, www.oklahomarocksong.org, and have polling locations at special events and the History Center where the public can nominate an official rock and roll song.

In August of 2008, the nominations will be pared to ten songs by a panel of experts selected by the governor, legislative leaders, the Oklahoma Film and Music Commission and the Oklahoma Historical Society.

From September 1 to November 15, 2008, the public will have the final say, voting on the official Oklahoma rock and roll song, which will be presented to the Legislature in 2009.

Rep. Joe Dorman is the House author of the measure. He said people are already getting excited about naming the state’s official rock and roll song.

“The suggestions have already been rolling in, with people wanting to nominate songs by Oklahoma artists including The Flaming Lips, Hoyt Axton and Leon Russell,” said Dorman, D-Rush Springs. ‘There are a lot of great tunes from Oklahoma and about Oklahoma. This gives us a great opportunity to showcase those artists and let the public help us celebrate our rock and roll heritage.”

-END-

It's nice to know they're working on things that matter.

By the way...

I won.

The program covers are black and gold and gorgeous.

:-)

Way to go Slug-ger. (Part 3)

Where Captain Compensation attempts a world-shattering decision: blue or black.

From where I sit now, this is the most recent of the Cap’n Chronicles, but I’m sure it’s not the last.

Remember the notorious certificate with one-inch margins? I was enlisted to create a program cover for the same event:

Time: 6 weeks ago. Scene: Cap’n enters my office holding an old program from this event.

CC: I would like this to be updated. The new event date is April X, 2008.
Me: No problem. What color do you want? (It’s a one or two color document)
CC: It’s always been blue.
Me: Well, actually, last year was the first year it was blue. Every other year it had been red, but there were printing issues last year. Even so, I need to know what color you want it to be this year.
CC: Don’t care.
Me: OK. I’ll get it done and send you a proof.

Time: 5 weeks and 3 days ago.
This is (seriously) a cut and paste job…the email I sent him:

Cap’n, here is the cover. The files are fairly small, so you should be able to open them on your computer. They’re all black printing with the gold seal and a black binding. (Was I NUTS?!? It’s just a PDF. What should make me think that he could open it?!?)

Time: Last week.

Printer: Cap’n was just down here bitching that these were supposed to be blue.
Me: Sigh. (Told her the whole story…)
Printer: Well, I’ve already run them and think they look HOT like they are, but it’s up to you.
Me: I’ll call Cap’n and see what’s on his squirrely little mind.

*Ring, ring*

Me: I was just going to confirm the program covers. Printer said you had some problems with them?
CC: They were supposed to be blue.
Me: I wasn’t aware of that.
CC: I brought you the old cover and told you to update it exactly as it was.
Me: After which I specifically asked you what color you wanted, and you said you didn’t care.
CC: I told you that it had always been blue.
Me: And I told you that it had ALWAYS been red, but was changed last year due to printing issues.
CC: (trying to cut me off with his sputtering)
Me: Listen. Blue, black, red, purple, or green, I don’t give a flip. I just want straight answers. The printer has printed them in black after you said they were fine that way. Would you rather have them blue?
CC: Well, you and she already decided.
Me: No, I’m asking you, BLUE or BLACK?
CC: (more sputtering)
Me: Look. I don’t care if it’s your fault, my fault, the printer’s fault, or happened because Mercury was in retrograde. I’m just telling you that this conversation will NOT happen again. When you bring me a job, and I ask what color you want and how you want the design to look, and you respond that you don’t care, I WILL do the job, and it WILL be to everyone’s approval. If you aren’t counted in EVERYONE, it will not be my problem. If you want something to be purple and fuchsia, just let me know. I’ll be happy to oblige. However, if you don’t tell me that, do NOT go crying to everyone above you that I refused to do what you wanted done. I have the logs of our conversations. You won’t win.

*Click.*

Clarinazi: 3
Captain Compensation: 0

…to be continued. I’m sure of it.

Way to go, Slug-ger. (Part 2)

Where Captain Compensation is incredulous at the fact that I am *mostly* educated

We have a ceremony approaching for all the officially smart high school seniors, and as part of being officially smart, each participant receives several nifty items that will sit in a box for the rest of time. One of these items is a certificate that I created. Envision your standard, go-to type certificate…now add a Caesar-type wreath logo, and that’s pretty much it.

Ring, ring…Enter Cap’n.

CC: “You’re going to have to print out the certificate and bring it upstairs to me.”
Me: “Why? I just emailed a PDF to you in color.”
CC: “Well, you know that my computer doesn’t open PDF files, and I don’t have a color printer.” (Aside: Are you effing KIDDING me?!? His computer is so adept at opening Solitaire that he doesn't even have to click the icon. It automatically starts at 8 a.m. and closes at 4:30 p.m.)
Me: “If you drag the attachment to the desktop, you should be able to open the file. That is the point behind the PDF document.”
CC: “Well, my computer just won’t open it. I’ll come down and get a copy.”
Me: “Whatever you want to do is fine.”

Enter Cap’n…literally.

CC: “Do you have the certificate printed for me?”
Me: “No. I’ve been busy in the last 20 minutes.”
Print out certificate…
CC: “I’m a little worried about the margins of the certificate. I don’t think people would be able to frame it with their diploma.” (Right. Because they’re going to.)
Me: “It’s exactly as we discussed last week, and looks identical to all my degrees and certificates, so I’m certain that framing will not be a problem.”
CC: “All your degrees?”
Me: “Yes.”
CC: “All your degrees?”
Me: “Yes, all my degrees and certificates.”
CC: “All your degrees?”
Me: “Are you deaf? Yes. All my degrees and certificates. Just as I said.”
CC: “Just how many degrees and certificates could you possibly have?”
Me: “Well, let’s see…there’s the high school diploma, which doesn’t really count for these purposes, along with the certificate that matches it from where I was Valedictorian…then there is the undergraduate degree and certificate that says I graduated from the University of Oklahoma…Magna cum laude…then there’s the Master of Business Administration and accompanying certificate that says I was top in my class in graduate school…so, not counting the various other awards I’ve received over the years, that comes to roughly, um, six. I think that’s a fairly accurate number for the purpose of one-inch margins, wouldn’t you say?”

There was no response; he just got up and stomped out of my office, slammed the door, and called my boss to complain when he got to his office. She laughed in his ear and hung up on him. WOOT!

(And if you’re wondering: yes, that conversation was VERBATIM. He asked me that three times as if I were lying to the likes of him…Why would I bother?!?)

Clarinazi: 2
Captain Compensation: 0

...to be continued

Way to go, Slug-ger. (Part 1)

I've not complained for a while about people I work with, as I have been removed from the general loop o' idiocy and dumbassery for the most part. However, we have a new god to add to the pantheon this morning... this one's been a while in the making so the "ARGH" goes on and on…so I'll try to put it in parts as to not raise your (read: my) blood pressure too much at a time.

I give you Captain Compensation. His ass is scrunched up so tight that his voice changes. He is 5'4" about 115 pounds, early 60s. Misogynistic, and is doubly irritated by women in power positions at work (exacerbated by the fact that all his bosses are women): his boss (Queen Bee…who can't stand him), in this particular project, me (who can't stand him), and High Goddess (who also can't stand him)…see a pattern? Additionally, he is the most change averse person I've ever seen in my life. …and to top it all off, during the non-working hours, he and his wife ride Harleys. Can you get the visual?

A growth-stunted asshat on a bike. SUH-WEET.

I guess I should call him Dr. Cap'n, since he has a PhD., but nah. No one around here calls him doctor anything. He doesn't deserve it. That REALLY gets under his skin. Maybe he really doesn't have a problem with women in general…maybe it's just women that don't kneel in respect for his greater intellectual gifts. Hmm…thought for another day.

Most of my gentle readers (all two of you) know that I do graphic design and publication layout. Usually it's a pretty glam job since I get to do a bunch of stuff that around 100K people read all the time, and when that's done, I get to do nifty new graphic designs for existing documents, which is what I really like to do, but the flip side of the coin is that the rest of my time is taken up by crap…such as certificates, covers, etc. The stuff that is notoriously easy to lay out, but the editor (who is another post altogether) goes ape over.

Last month, Cap'n and I had a run-in that escalated into a skirmish, then into an all-out passive-aggressive war. The whole thing started because Cap'n is lazy. He will go to any extent to not have to actually do work while attending work. Queen Bee has on several occasions overridden his negative commentary about conferences, etc. that should be his sole domain (He has no underlings either…not even a secretary, so he considers himself overworked and refuses to do ANYTHING new), including a particularly heinous brochure about graduation requirements that he has had published since Christ was born but never changed the way it looked.

Well, over the years there have been more and more requirements to cram onto a legal-size piece of paper. This year, many laws changed, so I told him that (a) we were going to make it more user friendly to all the audiences that use it, not just the school administrators and (b) the first step to that would be to change it to 11x17 size and make it in color. He adamantly refused (walked out of the meeting in my office…) until I took it to his boss the way he wanted it:

After putting all the new requirements in it, on a legal-size piece of paper, the text was in a 5 point size font. (Yes, you did read that right. 5.) Cap'n saw no problem with this (could he see it at all?!?), so I took the new 11 x 17 version (with 11 point font J) to Queen Bee with a note on the small one that if we cut the point size to 4.5, we would have enough room in the corner to put in a LensCrafters coupon for a magnifying glass.

She was amused, and agreed with me that it was getting beyond ridiculous.

About this point, Cap'n began to closely resemble a fish.

Clarinazi, 1
Captain Compensation, 0

…to be continued

When spell check isn't the answer...

So this press release came out of the Gov's office yesterday. Apparently they forgot that spell check isn't the answer to all their problems? (The significant grammatical...issue...in the email subject and headline are worth a million!)

Email Subject Line: Measure to Honor Native American Tribes Killed by Republicans in Committee

State of Oklahoma House of Representatives

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

February 13, 2008

Representative Mike Brown
State Capitol Building Rm. 539B
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 73105
405-557-7408

Measure to Honor Native American Tribes Killed by Republicans in Committee

OKLAHOMA CITY (February 13th, 2008) A measure that would have honored the heritage of Oklahoma’s Native Americans was killed in Committee by House Republicans today.

“Oklahoma’s Native American tribes have played a pivotal role in shaping our State’s history,” said Representative Mike Brown, D- Tahlequah. “House Democrats simply attempted to amend a bill that would have reflected the heritage of all Oklahomans.”

House Bill 2674 was presented to the House General Government and Transportation Committee this morning. The bill would rename the North Canadian River to the Oklahoma River. Representative Brown submitted an amendment to the bill that would have renamed it the Native Oklahoman River. The amendment was voted down along party lines. All Republicans on the committee unified to defeat the amendment, while all Democrats present voted to approve the amendment.

“Is this the way that we treat those who helped form the rich cultural heritage of our State?” questioned Brown. “I hope that members of the Legislature will act in a more respectful manner the next time an opportunity arises to honor Oklahoma’s Native Tribes, instead of slipping back to old partisanship antics.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA! At least my agency's name isn't on that thing anywhere!!!

None of this is to mention that the fact that they are discussing the CHANGING OF A RIVER'S NAME in the Legislature... Your tax dollars at work. Or something.

Bzz bzz bzzzz

Just call me the busy little bee. I've spent the last week working "overtime" (I don't get OT) at the Slugfest, but all in all, it's not been so bad. Monday and Tuesday were spent taking 550 photos of newly certified professionals ... but now that the photo editing and printing is finished, I'm good to go. Home.

And I plan on pouting since I missed all the swell weather we had (65 in January?!?) because of work, but I can now frolic in the snow since the wind chill is -3 degrees and the ice is starting to form. Argh.

If you want to talk to me, I'll be huddled around a barrel for warmth like a hobo.

It's not easy being a slug.

I've worked my ass off this week...after catching up from the trip and working on last minute things, I feel like I put in a full week plus some about a half hour ago, and therefore I'm surfing the web looking for things that may give you a good weekend chuckle (instead of actually having to THINK about anything).

With that in mind, I've posted the following videos--the Victor Borge one has been years in the making: I ran across it on TV when I was young and thought it was funny...and I still think it's funny. Maybe growing up is all just a big facade.*

Off to more government-related pursuits. Have a great weekend!!!



*See My Fellow Americans. If you haven't already, shame on you. It will crack you up. At least parts of it will...if you're smarter than the average Okie, this part will too.

*blubbering* Are you KIDDING?!?

I was just summoned into the Lair de High Goddess. Understandably, this happens often, but today, I was summoned thrice. The first two times were for basic workday items--layouts, questions, etc. The third time, I was confused as to why I was going, as all the questions had been previously answered. I get into her office, and alas, she is in a meeting with the Chief Underling. Hmm. I was ushered in (shock!), and was then asked if I would mind representing the Honorable Agency in a meeting with the governor on Thursday. At this point, I looked behind me to make sure High Goddess was indeed addressing me.

Holy shit, I have to go clothes shopping! I have a meeting with the executive directors of four state agencies, the governor of our beloved state, his Chief Underling, and myself in exactly 92 hours!!! EEEP!

View from the office

Many of you have asked about my office at some point or other. Here are pics of the office and the view from the office. Enjoy! (I do daily!)

A Whole New Life

With this new job, it's like a whole new me. I actually enjoy going to work (so far) and like what I've been doing...it's great! Now my snark is reserved for those who desperately need to be on the receiving end of it. Like the crazy woman who tried to run over my car on the interstate yesterday. She was driving a Tahoe and ended up running over the car in front of her (a Tercel) instead...then, after she mauled that car, she started backing up! Uh, no?!? I started yelling and honking and making a general ruckus about this time, and she landed about a half inch from my front bumper. Had she hit me and I gotten a ticket because I'm in Oklatucky and we have a no-fault law, I'd have come out swinging.

In other news, my Sooners have an off week this week. Woot! Now I can get some serious stuff done around the old homestead. Except for the meeting all day Saturday to wrap up my old job...and the all day Sunday music extravaganza... Alas. Friday will be a veritable marathon of activity preparing for next week (aka WEEK FROM HELL) due to school issues...so strap on, we're going into high gear.

Stick with me. Back to regularly scheduled snark soon.

Work!

Sweet! I went to work today and did more than attend!

I love my new office. It has windows that I can look out over the smokers and giggle, or I can ignore them as I see fit. The best part is they're just outside my window, but they can't see in unless I'm right at the window being overtly obnoxious. Excellent. Let the games begin.

For those in the area, Sunday is the all-music service that I'm working on...it's gonna be a whale of a great time for all involved, so bring yourselves in your preferred Sunday gear to hear/see/play/sing great music.

As of now, that's my life. Getting along in my new job, and getting this service figured out. See you on the flip side of Sunday (unless I have another fit with the Sooners on Saturday...). I'll try to get back before then, but don't count on it.

SWEET!!!

I got a promotion!

More info when I get done doing a happy dance.

Ride the SLUT

Hah! Seattle has unveiled plans for a new trolley system. 60 million dollars, serving 1.3 square miles.

WOOT!

And it's name? The South Lake Union Trolley. Obviously a well-thought-out name.

The South Lake region of Seattle is in the geographic center of town, and includes many of the older homes in the Cascades neighborhood. One gentleman who hails from my blessed state now lives in Seattle and has devised a plan to profit from the stupidity of the local g-slugs.

Go visit him and buy a t-shirt.

So many tasteless jokes that I could offer, but we all know that I'd never stoop that low. *cough*

And according to the guy, the new name being considered due to the unfortunate acronym is the Seattle Streetcar...um, SS? The last time the SS put people on trains, the outcome was less than desirable.

Look who waltzed in...

or "ZOMG!"...
or "What to do when a shemale surprises you at work" ...

Well? What do you do? Me? I performed trout mouth.

Yes, trout mouth. You know it. It's that feeling where your jaw is locked in a full open position while flapping, making you loosely resemble a beached whale.

I was calmly working at my computer (yes, doing ACTUAL work) thinking to myself, "Self, you really need to update your blog." Then that little voice in my brain said, "We would, but there's been precious little to blog about other than how to pack a box."

Anyone who knows me that this internal conversation was the beginning of the end. Just as I got to "...box" my office door opened, and--

It's a bird!


It's a plane!



It's---



Angelique!


In person! In my office! Yes, I took those photos ladies and gents! Parading all over the office.


*I want that waistline. Damn him/her.

Clarinazi, 1; Swampdonkey, 0

Thank the Gods and little fishies!!!!!! This is a day for the history books. This morning, Swampdonkey's boss called Sir Knight and set up a meeting for this afternoon between the four of us. I know SD's boss from another program that I do for Queen Bee, and through that program, she learned of my accounting and financial background...

So today Sir Knight schlep all our stuff up to the meeting (topic unknown), and sit down to chat with Swampdonkey et al. From this battle meeting, Clarinazi and Sir Knight emerge victorious---

SWAMPDONKEY WILL NO LONGER BE THE CLAIMS PROCESSOR FOR MY SECTION!!!! As of August 1, 2007, I will be doing all the claims work since (in SD's boss’s words) “you have a strong background in financial accounting.”

SCORE!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you game, set, and match.

It's only 11:13???

This morning has been interesting. My hands are battered and bloody from stuffing 1100 poster and letters into mailing tubes. I had help--two inmates from the nearby women's prison work here, and the guy they work for graciously asked if I'd like them to help me. It's nice to know that there are nice people around. We knocked out what was looking like a two day job in about 2.5 hours. I'm tired. My brain hurts from my calc-econ class. I'm going to hide under my desk and take a nap.

Swampdonkey Rides Again

Look out world, Swampdonkey's on the loose!

We all know her antics, but ye gods and little fishies! Here in the office, we place overs and unders on (1) the percentage of claims that will be needlessly returned, and (2) the timeframe in which they will be returned.

Well, the day of the last Swampdonkey post saw another 14 claims sent to be paid. Yesterday, ALL 14 came back to me for wrong budgets. I'm sorry, but I have an MBA in accounting that should say to her, "HEY, ASSHAT! CLARINAZI KNOWS HOW TO BUDGET!" but obviously doesn't.

She laid the claims in my outstretched hand, and promptly walked out the door before I could close my mouth. 100 pages of claims, returned for no reason. The red faded from my vision, and I went, claims in paw, to Sir Knight. He looked up and asked what it was, and I told him (and this really is a quote), "That cow sent all these back and the budgets were attached!"

So Sir Knight, having little clue as to what was going on, decides to have a meeting in Swampdonkey's office. He tells me to bring all the paperwork I have, so reams of paper in hand, we trot into her office. We sit, and by this time, she is visibly shaking. Geez. I tell her that there were budgets attached to each of the claims in question and showed her a new claim with said budget attached...and she said, I know. AND PICKS UP A PILE OF BUDGETS FROM HER DESK! Is this woman for real?!?

The whole time she's been reading the budgets wrong. Imagine that. "Incorrect budget" is slug for "it's sitting on my desk, but I can't understand English and Arabic numerals enough to transfer them into an identical computer screen."

Freaking save me from the morons. Incompetence, ineptitude, and idocy are the three "I"s of my life. GRR. Defenestration, anyone???