How do these people find me?

In everyone's life there are a few people who seem a few fries short of a Happy Meal. While these people are the spice of life, most people's cronies are "normal" by general population standards. It seems that in this measure, I am abnormal as well.

I am abnormal because I'm not. Most everyone else around me is certifiable. There are a handful of less-crazy people (I wouldn't say that anyone that spends time with me is COMPLETELY average due to their buddy choices), but today, there are an esteemed few who take the cake (WHERE?!?*). The one that comes immediately to mind is Nutcase Knight.

Nutcase Knight is Sir Knight's ex-spouse. As the name implies, she is almost beyond certifiable. I can't even remember all the shit she's stirred up since my Slugdom began, but the circumstances are always a bit illogical (ok, a whole-freakin-lot illogical) and mostly contrived. Let us begin the story with the Knight family roll call, as I'm sure it will come in handy later:

Sir Knight (SK). The boss we all know and presumably love.

Nutcase Knight (NK). The boss's ex-harridan who still makes his life hell 25 years after the divorce decree was written, and the offspring were removed from her custody.

Baby Boy Knight (BBK). The son. The elder child, lives in Asia. Incredibly wealthy. Deals with NK by telling SK to get her a one-way ticket to see him...and he'd send her on vacation. Permanently.

Baby Girl Knight (BGK). The daughter. The younger child, lives in that awful state to the south. Incredibly smart. Married a man who is beyond incredibly wealthy. Just had a sprog (Cutie Knight (CK)) a few months ago that is whoa-fully spoiled (all her onesies are Ralph Lauren cashmere).

Those are the players. ...and there's the bell.

So to start off this edition of the fandamntastic story, about ten years or so ago Nutcase Knight thought that she was being stalked (why would anyone bother?!?) by someone who was sending her postal mail (In the words of Dave: what were they going to do--mail her a bullet?) and hence decided to move from our esteemed city to the state to the south to be closer to BGK since BBK told her not to bother. After residing in the state from hell for a while, she began getting phone calls. As in 300 a day (by her count)...that the person on the other end of the line would call, breathe for a bit, and hang up. Freaked, she decided to move back to our esteemed city. So she "lives" in an apartment on the north side...never leaves since she can't drive, she's afraid to fly, and is generally dependent on anyone who will feel sorry for her. Her phone only makes outgoing calls, so if the world ends and she needs to know, you must email her. (She's never even seen the grandkid...because she can't afford a cab to Houston.)

She sits all day looking out the window and looking at her arms (she thinks there's something wrong with them). No shit. Seriously. All day. Looking at her arms. When she's feeling neglected, she calls Sir Knight at the office. This is where I come in.

NK: Is Sir Knight in? (She always uses both names. Always. That's how I know it's her.)
Me: I'm not sure. I think he stepped out for a bit. Can I take a message?
NK: Do you know when he'll be back?
Me: (thinking "Well for you, the Tuesday after never. Or maybe April 31. Whichever is later.") No. I'm not really sure...can I take a message?
NK: No. I'll just call his cell phone.
Me: He must not have gone far since he left his cell on his desk. (hint, hint)
NK: "Click."

SK's cell: Ring! Ring! .... Ring! Ring!

...a moment of silence...

Office phone: Ring! Ring!
Me: Slugdom, this is Clarinazi, can i help you?
NK: Is Sir Knight in?
Me: No. He's stepped out of his office for a moment...


So Tuesday, she calls and wants Sir Knight to let her move into his house until the newly-discovered mold in her house is killed. He agrees to let her stay during the day on Wednesday since she had called SK's sister (whose husband has thrown her out of their house after a "short" two-week stay--another post entirely) and SK will be away anyway. She leaves seven voice mails on SK's cell on Tuesday to remind him to turn on the television so that she won't be bored and lonely while he is at work and she doesn't know how to work the remote, so he also needs to turn the volume down so that she can nap.

This morning, she's still there. She calls around 11:00 to let SK know that they're not done with the mold removal (and now it's in the a/c and the carpet), so she would be staying a "little" longer. He told her that he had a date coming for dinner, so she needed to be gone by 6:00. She told him that she didn't know if she could manage that, so he went to get her a hotel room...I haven't seen him since.

God have mercy on his soul. He deserves it. No wonder why he won't marry the girlfriend.



*OK, you know the reference. I KNOW you do. You wouldn't let me down by not knowing Carlin would you?
Carlin, from the "phrases that piss me off" skit: "He takes the cake. WHERE? Down to the deli to see the other cakes?"