An open letter to the general gathering of Bugscuffle First United Bretheren Gossips Church

For all you burgeoning Adamses out there, our church is NOT the time or place. Our music--the choice of hymns, as well as their placement within the service--has a PURPOSE. Do you really believe that somebody sat down with a hymnal, a calendar, and a blindfold and went to town? There is a PURPOSE to music in worship. That purpose is to enhance the scripture and textual message of the day. In this vein, we work very hard to ensure that the texts and hymns are appropriate for the service.

Before you go off on random staff members about choosing too many different (read: new) hymns for your minimalist taste, maybe you should take a moment of profound introspection. Ask yourself "why did we sing that?" or if you insist upon playing the part of the music critic, please think of a new angle. The "how does Herr Preacher think we'll sing boisterously if we don't know the hymn" one has already been used. Ad nauseum.

If you are too lazy to think up a new argument, please at least consider this scenario:

You, a devout attendee of this blessed church since your Grandma was sainted (God rest her soul), know the "Top Ten" out of our hymnal, and have since you were a child. Do you ever wonder why our hymnal is longer than ten pages? If so, I'll tell you. It is because although The Old Rugged Cross and Victory in Jesus are your all-time favorites, the person sitting next to you in your cushy pew is particularly averse to Victory in Jesus. As a matter of fact, her favorite hymn is one that you, as a long-time church member, have likely NEVER HEARD BEFORE, let alone sung under Grandma's tutelage.

As the ringleader of the committee that chooses the service music (and the rest of service, for that matter), it is my duty to serve all the congregants, not just YOU, my narrow-minded musical bigot. I have at least one degree that states why I am on staff at the church. That degree also implies that I do not know how to run your committee. I don't intrude upon your ice cream socials and potluck dinners and tell you how to run your meetings. Please have a care and return the favor.