Older and Wiser?

Some of you may remember the fandamntastic time I had tutoring my Sis with calculus last summer...and you will recall that I am now enrolled in my final semester of graduate school, which requires a calculus-based economics course. Oh the never-ending bliss.

So as to be true to my usually snarky M.O., I decided to call Sis to ask if she would like to be my math tutor. Her hubby is yelling over the phone the following:

Me: Hey-a, sis! You wanna be my calc tutor?
Sis: Are you sane?
Hubby: Tell her that I'll help her with her calculus! I'll be over in 30 minutes!
Sis (to Hubby): Shut-up...you don't know math!
Hubby: 30 minutes!
Me: Fsck you.
Hubby: 20 minutes!

Hell, who says I need to attend an economics class?!? I think that was a pretty clear-cut supply and demand problem right there, friends and neighbors.

I'm in love.*

So those that know me know that I am a shoe-a-holic. In a bad way. In my current place, they have their own closet. I've found my new objets d'affection. And they're in my price range. Find these shoes coming to feet near you...








*It's such a pity that this statement only refers to material items...or is it?

Sometimg new and unexpcted

Today is my dad's birthday. I decided to give him some slack since I've not talked to him since last March (as in 2006), so I emailed him birthday wishes. It only took him 2.5 hours to get back to me, and even signed the note "Love, Dad."

Will wonders never cease.

Of all the bonehead things...

WHOA. Nutcase Knight just took the cake for the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Before I write this story, please be aware that this woman is BRILLIANT. As in seriously one of the brightest people I (sort of) know.

After the Great Mold Debacle of 20 Aught 7, NK has decided to move. She has changed her mind 17 times on the location of her new residence, but alas, she has finally decided upon one (for now). She called Sir Knight earlier to ensure that he would be available on her chosen moving date to schlep her computer from its current house to the new place. He inquired as to why she couldn't give it to the movers with the rest of her stuff, to which she replied, "I'm not sure how to move it."

Sir Knight's response to that statement was somewhere in the vicinity of "Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.?!?"
NK: "Well, I really don't know if I should unplug it."
SK: "You shouldn't. You're just going to have to leave it plugged in here and go downtown and buy a REALLY long extension cord."

LMAO. ...until this exchange about 2 minutes before I started writing this post:

*Ring, ring*
Me: "Slugfest, this is Clarinazi, can I help you?"
NK: "Is Sir Knight in?"

(Does this look familiar?)

Me: "Let me check."
Me (on intercom with SK): "If you want to sneak out, I won't turn around for thirty seconds then I can claim ignorance."
SK: "Is it NK or the Lion King?"
Me: "NK."
SK: *sigh*

...apparently she was calling to let him know that his services are no longer necessary. She had called the computer store, and the guy there had assured her that it was OK to leave her computer unplugged for more than five minutes.

Actually, she was amazed that he didn't seem concerned about when she decided to plug her computer back in at all.

DAMN. I bet that phone call made that techie's day. ;-)

Most decidedly something of interest...

The LawDog Files: Oh, hello!


I was (somehow) unaware of Amazon.com doing this...I know you can find pretty much anything online, but this is horrid. The publishing of this is bad enough, but selling it by choice?

I don't choose. Do you?

Engrish, anyone?

I know all of you have had teachers/professors/coworkers who you really didn't understand. I don't mean "understand" as from a philosophical standpoint, but "understand" as in you can't tell what they're bloody saying as they're talking to you--usually imparting very important knowledge. Like the knowledge that your HUGE assignment that was supposed to be due at the end of the semester is now due at the beginning.

I have one of these this semester (profs, not projects). ARGH! Drives me nuts! (Hah! Drives me nuts!) Anyway, he also teaches at the pace of the Galapagos tortoise. Seriously. In three hours we covered roughly ONE TOPIC. No joke. One. Over and over and over and...

Maybe I should ride the class out on his shell. By the end of the semester, I'd have made it from my desk to, oh, halfway across the room.

Clarinazi, 1; Swampdonkey, 0

Thank the Gods and little fishies!!!!!! This is a day for the history books. This morning, Swampdonkey's boss called Sir Knight and set up a meeting for this afternoon between the four of us. I know SD's boss from another program that I do for Queen Bee, and through that program, she learned of my accounting and financial background...

So today Sir Knight schlep all our stuff up to the meeting (topic unknown), and sit down to chat with Swampdonkey et al. From this battle meeting, Clarinazi and Sir Knight emerge victorious---

SWAMPDONKEY WILL NO LONGER BE THE CLAIMS PROCESSOR FOR MY SECTION!!!! As of August 1, 2007, I will be doing all the claims work since (in SD's boss’s words) “you have a strong background in financial accounting.”

SCORE!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you game, set, and match.

This is so stuck in my head

So I'm going to share.
I think it's one of the top 5 songs EVER. It'll cost you just a nickel. Riiiight.

It's only 11:13???

This morning has been interesting. My hands are battered and bloody from stuffing 1100 poster and letters into mailing tubes. I had help--two inmates from the nearby women's prison work here, and the guy they work for graciously asked if I'd like them to help me. It's nice to know that there are nice people around. We knocked out what was looking like a two day job in about 2.5 hours. I'm tired. My brain hurts from my calc-econ class. I'm going to hide under my desk and take a nap.

Swampdonkey Rides Again

Look out world, Swampdonkey's on the loose!

We all know her antics, but ye gods and little fishies! Here in the office, we place overs and unders on (1) the percentage of claims that will be needlessly returned, and (2) the timeframe in which they will be returned.

Well, the day of the last Swampdonkey post saw another 14 claims sent to be paid. Yesterday, ALL 14 came back to me for wrong budgets. I'm sorry, but I have an MBA in accounting that should say to her, "HEY, ASSHAT! CLARINAZI KNOWS HOW TO BUDGET!" but obviously doesn't.

She laid the claims in my outstretched hand, and promptly walked out the door before I could close my mouth. 100 pages of claims, returned for no reason. The red faded from my vision, and I went, claims in paw, to Sir Knight. He looked up and asked what it was, and I told him (and this really is a quote), "That cow sent all these back and the budgets were attached!"

So Sir Knight, having little clue as to what was going on, decides to have a meeting in Swampdonkey's office. He tells me to bring all the paperwork I have, so reams of paper in hand, we trot into her office. We sit, and by this time, she is visibly shaking. Geez. I tell her that there were budgets attached to each of the claims in question and showed her a new claim with said budget attached...and she said, I know. AND PICKS UP A PILE OF BUDGETS FROM HER DESK! Is this woman for real?!?

The whole time she's been reading the budgets wrong. Imagine that. "Incorrect budget" is slug for "it's sitting on my desk, but I can't understand English and Arabic numerals enough to transfer them into an identical computer screen."

Freaking save me from the morons. Incompetence, ineptitude, and idocy are the three "I"s of my life. GRR. Defenestration, anyone???

My kind of exercise plan

I got this from a friend, and I think that this is my exercise plan of choice. It's a three-day-a-week plan...looks good to me!!!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then 50-lb potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

WOOT!

Your government at work

So I was on my way to the good ole' State Capitol yesterday, and I saw the funniest series of classic slug work going on EVER. I had my camera but it was lunchtime, so there was nowhere to stop and avoid getting turned into roadkill...pity! So instead, I'll try to paint (a rather inadequate) picture for you.

On the north side of the State Capitol, there is a grassy median about two miles long that is built up so it looks like a mini-hill in the middle of the road. On the far north end of the hill-median, 7 workers were busy digging a hole. Well, truthfully, 1 was digging the hole and 6 consultants were standing by in a half-circle surrounding him. They all wore Day-Glo clothing and safety vests. The consultants didn't even have tools!!! I almost wrecked the car laughing.

Then I came over the hill. And almost wrecked the car again laughing.

Remember when you were in kindergarten or day care and every time you were going somewhere outside the complex, the teacher had a rope that you held/tied to your wrist so that no child was left behind? (HA! Pun totally intended...)

The second mile of grassy median is downhill toward the Capitol building. From the top of the hill, workers were lined up single file pulling a large flat tube (looked like a ribbon). Just like kindergarten children, there were long spaces of no people, then clumps of 5-10 in a 20 foot section. This was stretched along three turning medians (about a half-mile), so there were about 30 cars waiting for the line of workers to get to where they were going. LOL!!!!!! I almost wet myself.

Aww...

I feel like family. How amazing is it that two of my fave bloggers have found each other--and love each other. Brought tears to my eyes.

AD + Babs = 4ever

Aww!

WTF?!?

So I'm back at work after a harrowing weekend, and some asshat has turned on the HEATER in my office. Yes, the whole building. The thermometer next door showed 98 degrees at 8:00 am. They blamed it on the weather.

Oh, the electricity went off this weekend...and when it came back on, the HEATER WAS ON! Oh my!

Kill me now. Please.

Did you say HURRICANE?

...so now I can list myself among those who have survived a hurricane.


In Oklahoma.


Yes. I said "hurricane" not "tornado" ... my hometown is practically devastated, and I skipped out on the church gig this morning due to the fact that there was not a whole road between my house and the church. Then I tried to go with mom to get Nanna from the farm...and there wasn't a whole road there either. Took from 9:30 am until roughly 4:00 pm to get to a town that was one hour away from the house.

I have tons of pictures. Here are just a few:

This used to be the Watonga airport.

This was the Sonic.

This is looking north from Hwy. 33 and Noble

The grocery

By the cemetery


Hwy. 33 and Burford

South of town
(Yes, that IS a fence with a 4 ft. sign saying Keep Out...obviously Mother Nature took offense.)

The farm

One of our rent houses...you can't see the 4 x 4 pickup under the tree...

I have tons of others. If you're interested, let me know, and I'll get them to you.

The Red Cross was in town to help out. There is no power in the town at all, and everyone is at a loss for what to do. If you're inclined that way, the road is now open, so you can head out to help, and prayers don't require mileage.

Ever feel like you're in an alternate universe?

Today started out like any other day. I woke up, talked to a friend, and decided I was going to practice bells for a while. Went out to do some errands with mom, and that was where the "normal" ended. After we got home, I asked her if she'd go check out an apartment with me just to poke around and see what was available. We ended up looking at this place that was identical to another complex I lived in sometime in my past, but on the other side of town, and really liking it. ...and there was one vacancy coming up in the floor plan that I liked ... and it was on the back of the complex facing a creek and related flora. I decided that it was God smiling (through the rain) and signed a lease. I'll be moving there September 14-15. ZOMG! So now I'm freaking out like a bad trip and wondering if I did the right thing.

Pros: Almost all my friends live around there; it's 25 miles closer to church and 40 miles closer to school; a 7-month lease will only put me 2 months past what I'd be doing if I were to leave here after school anyway; it's a mile shorter to the Slug Haven...but the time will be about 10 minutes longer (con)

Cons: It's expensive, and lonely.

Am I really ready to live alone again? Eeep!

You only thought I was kidding

When I say that I work with a bunch of nutcases, please don't think that I am speaking metaphorically. Everything I describe here, or in person with you, REALLY happens (as hard as it is sometimes to believe).

And now let's add another ... deity to the pantheon. I'm not sure whether to call it a god or a goddess, but here it is...



Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is a photo of a man that I work with. He often goes to that big city down south to moonlight as "Angelique" but usually is restrained to the occasional eyeliner or mascara during working hours. Most people here don't know, but apparently now the word is out! (I knew long ago, but knowing and KNOWING are two different things...) He is on leave, but he came to work dressed like this today for his photo op. The picture doesn't do justice to the four-inch stilettos that would make me cringe and the mini-skirt that left little to the imagination.

A few weeks ago, he drags into my office needing some eyeliner. I offered to sell him some, as I do that sort of thing often, but he declined...he wanted it to be APPLIED not purchased...so I did.

Presenting the best and brightest this great state has to offer.

So Dave and I went to the Earth, Wind, and Fire concert last night. On a "Shit to Chicago" scale, we gave them about a 7.5.

...but the PEOPLE who attended? They got a freakin' 10 on the "Holy shit, Batman" scale. Case in point:

Might we present: Elton John as a black woman (with fake hair)?

---

Me: What do you think happened to her hair?
Dave: A weedwhacker? What do you think?
Me: Maybe mange.

---

Before the show, the following screens were showing the upcoming events and concerts for the venue. (Note that these screens were being shown to the WHOLE venue--not just in the theater where we were.)

Tickets to see Al Green: $65





Going to see Loretta Lynn (including drinks): $50








Using spell checker before 5,000 people know you are, in fact, a moron: Priceless

An open letter to the general gathering of Bugscuffle First United Bretheren Gossips Church

For all you burgeoning Adamses out there, our church is NOT the time or place. Our music--the choice of hymns, as well as their placement within the service--has a PURPOSE. Do you really believe that somebody sat down with a hymnal, a calendar, and a blindfold and went to town? There is a PURPOSE to music in worship. That purpose is to enhance the scripture and textual message of the day. In this vein, we work very hard to ensure that the texts and hymns are appropriate for the service.

Before you go off on random staff members about choosing too many different (read: new) hymns for your minimalist taste, maybe you should take a moment of profound introspection. Ask yourself "why did we sing that?" or if you insist upon playing the part of the music critic, please think of a new angle. The "how does Herr Preacher think we'll sing boisterously if we don't know the hymn" one has already been used. Ad nauseum.

If you are too lazy to think up a new argument, please at least consider this scenario:

You, a devout attendee of this blessed church since your Grandma was sainted (God rest her soul), know the "Top Ten" out of our hymnal, and have since you were a child. Do you ever wonder why our hymnal is longer than ten pages? If so, I'll tell you. It is because although The Old Rugged Cross and Victory in Jesus are your all-time favorites, the person sitting next to you in your cushy pew is particularly averse to Victory in Jesus. As a matter of fact, her favorite hymn is one that you, as a long-time church member, have likely NEVER HEARD BEFORE, let alone sung under Grandma's tutelage.

As the ringleader of the committee that chooses the service music (and the rest of service, for that matter), it is my duty to serve all the congregants, not just YOU, my narrow-minded musical bigot. I have at least one degree that states why I am on staff at the church. That degree also implies that I do not know how to run your committee. I don't intrude upon your ice cream socials and potluck dinners and tell you how to run your meetings. Please have a care and return the favor.

Introducing.....Swampdonkey

Today we inaugurate a new goddess into the pantheon: Swampdonkey. In the big picture, those such as her play a small but vital role. Swampdonkeys are the women people love to hate. They are rude. They are ugly. They breed in the southern Everglades.

Swampdonkey is the claims processor for my division. She has little intelligence and less common sense. We have had an ongoing feud for as long as I've been making claims for this section. This week has brought to light a speeded-up version of the goings-on in her peabrain.

In order to process a claim, the budgeted amount must meet or exceed the claimed amount in whatever 16-digit long category you're working with. In order to expedite this process, I usually make the claim, compare it to the budget, note the discrepancies, amend the budget, forge the appropriate signatures, then attach the shiny new budget perpendicular to the claim (so that both are obvious)...

Last Thursday, I did the aforementioned process upon ten different claims. Of them, half came back to me due to true errors on the parts of the claimmakers (at the districts--I can't fix this one)...and the other half came back due to INCORRECT BUDGETS.

OK, Swampdonkey. How do you NOT SEE the front page of each of those claims...yes, that one. The page that says "BUDGET" at the top, followed by a matrix of numbers that MATCH THE CLAIM.

---

After I got over my mottled rage at the returned claims, I took a peek at the reasoning behind the return of the other claims...and found this note on one of them (note that my program, though housed in a state department, is a federal program):

"I will need a law regarding this claim. The items claimed on this report are against the State Constitution. Although your project is Federal, the State Constitution comes over the Federal regulations, and therefore, this claim will not be paid."

WHAT?!?

Cow. Send this woman back to high school civics.

---

Swampdonkey reporting for duty.